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Hilarious Telemarketer Prank Call

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 14:12:02 GMT

This has to be the funniest telemarketer prank call I've ever heard. You gotta listen to this, you'll be on the floor rolling with laughter.

[youtube J5z4Vs26-TI]

Telemarketer Call: Crazy Old Lady

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:03:46 GMT

This is hilarious. Pyscho old lady goes off on a telemarketer.

[youtube wgjFjCOlv7I]

Bizarre - Sheep trial

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 15:27:12 GMT

A Dutch man was cleared of having sex with a sheep because the animal could not testify.

The man - from Haaksbergen, near Utrecht - was reported to police by a farmer who caught him having intercourse with the four-legged animal.

But the case was thrown out of court because the sheep couldn't take to the stand to testify it had not consented and had suffered emotional stress.

Bestiality is not illegal in the Netherlands unless it can be proven the animal did not want to take part.

Animal rights campaigner Jos van Huisen said: "Short of putting the sheep in the dock, at the moment these perverts cannot be prosecuted."

Minister of Justice Ernst Hirsch Ballin has announced plans to change the law.

Panhandler fatally shot after asking woman for a quarter

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:21:18 GMT

CINCINNATI — A woman shot and killed a panhandler who asked her for 25 cents, police say.

"He asked her for a quarter," Police Chief Tom Streicher said. "That's apparently all there was to it."

Donald Francis, who police believe was homeless, stood outside a gas station late Monday asking people for money. Geraldine Beasley had complained about Francis to someone else, and when he approached her she pulled out a gun and shot him, police said.

Francis, 44, died at the scene.

Beasley, 62, was charged with murder and today was ordered held in lieu of $500,000 bail, according to court documents. Her attorney, Mass Ionna, told Municipal Court Judge Fanon Rucker that his client has mental issues.

Beasley's court record dates back 15 years with traffic charges, eviction cases and civil judgments both for and against her. She was fined in 2003 for improperly transporting a loaded gun after officers found one in her van.

Christ-like smudge on garage floor fetches $1,500 on eBay

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 15:13:40 GMT

FOREST, VA. — A smudge of driveway sealant resembling the face of Jesus Christ has fetched more than $1,500 in an online auction.

The family that found the image on its garage floor sold it for $1,525.69 on eBay Wednesday, more than a week after the slab of concrete was put on sale.

"I really never thought I'd get any, to be honest," said Deb Serio, a high school teacher.

"It's fun to see what people say and think about it," said Serio, who has gotten hundreds of messages from around the world.

The family has hired a contractor to remove the section of concrete. The chunk will be turned over to the winner, identified only as "islandoffthecoast."

An active Lutheran, Serio considers the smudge just an odd occurrence — not a sign or miracle.

"There are some people who need this kind of thing to sort of start them on their faith journey. I don't," she said. "That's why I don't mind parting with it."

Builder does DIY castration

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 16:40:47 GMT

Building boss Howard Shelley carried out the ultimate DIY conversion by castrating himself.

The 42-year-old dad of two decided on the drastic move after being told he would have to wait at least two years for a sex change on the NHS, reports The Sun.

He found a website which gave a step-by-step guide to the eye-watering home surgery, then waited till wife Janet went out before setting to work with a kitchen knife in the loo.

With the job done, he wrapped his severed appendages in a cloth and dropped them in the bin.

Then he drove five miles to his local GP, explained what he'd done, and was packed off for treatment at the Stoke Mandeville Hospital, near Aylesbury.

Amazingly, three days later he was back at his desk.

Howard, who wants to be known as Holli, said: "It was very painful, but the moment I cut them off I felt all woman.

"I'm the sort of guy who, when I make up my mind to do something, wants it done there and then. I didn't want to be a man any more so I decided to do it myself.

"The worst bit was steeling myself for the first cut. The whole thing took six minutes. It was agony, but I knew I couldn't stop."

He is saving up £5,000 for a full sex-change operation in Thailand. He said: "I want breasts and hips - then I can be a real woman."

Janet, 42, who has an MBE for setting up their firm, said: "We still love each other. I'm just angry he had to take such extreme action."

Hilarious Skittles commercial

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 00:07:43 GMT

"The Skittles Touch" this is hilarious.

[youtube Ue3d5xUQr0I]

T-Shirt History

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:28:57 GMT

A modern t-shirt usually has no buttons, collars or pockets. It can be made of cotton or polyester or a blend. The t-shirt has round neck and sleeve holes and currently may be decorated with text and graphics, sometimes funny.

But, the t-shirt has not always been this way, oh no. The t-shirt has a long and proud history beginning with the ancient Egyptians who wore formal undergarments while they were erecting the pyramids in 120-degree desert heat.

Some historians theorize that the pyramids were actually supposed to be large cubes, but since each crew was exhausted from wearing t-shirts underneath their garment in the high desert heat, that subsequent crews did less and less work. This desire to do less and hurry the finality of the project lead the crew leader on day to simply put a point on top of the cube-turned-pyramid and inform the high priests and priestesses that there had been a cost overruns and a “change in plans”.

Be that as it may, t-shirts again reared their ugly heads in the 19th century, once again as formal undergarments in Britain. The Brits and their famous eye for prudence started requiring school age boys to wear t-shirts and tuck them in over their underwear but inside their pants in order to foil the bullies’ attempts at giving atomic wedgies.

The bullies were not foiled however, and just grabbed t-shirts and underpants in two motions instead of one and proceeded to give atomic wedgies as before. Some schoolchildren then used flatulence as a defense mechanism to deter the bullies, but this is for another discussion altogether.

T-shirts became popular again with the advent of World War II. Military types such as sailors began wearing these undergarments to work in and when overheated would throw off the shirts atop and work in t-shirts only.

Some early videos posted on Youtube show sailors in the 1940’s performing their duties in t-shirts aboard huge warships and occasionally breaking out in song and dance particularly to “Y-M-C-A” by the Village People. Calisthenics were performed on board these large aircraft carriers to keep the men in shape and even Richard Simmons’ father, Gene would lead the jumping jacks in his t-shirt.

In the 1960’s Forrest “Running Man” Gump heralded in a new era of decorated t-shirts. When he was once again rejected by Jenny, he took to running cross country and wiped his muddy face on what would become the first Happy Face t-shirt. Gump also told another runner that “stuff happens” or some similar vulgar verbiage and this became a national motto in no time, decorating t-shirts from coast to coast.

Since this time, t-shirts have been a method of self-expression for millions of people. First worn as a means of political commentary, it didn’t take long before the commentary turned humorous and then people started wearing all sorts of funny t-shirts to express their inner goofballs to the world.

So, there you have it, a twisted history of the modern t-shirt. Though this may be a fractured fairytale of what really happened, the essence is in fact accurate. No go out and buy a t-shirt to express your inner goofball.

Computer Stupidities

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:43:12 GMT

I work in Tech Suport for a major DSL provider and we always get calls from people that are shall we say less than proficient on there computers. I recently found a website called Computer Stupidites and below are some of the better ones. Anyone that has ever done some kind of tech support can relate to these.

Me: "DSL is a lot faster. It--"
Friend's Father: "Yeah, but if you have DSL, there are a lot of threats."
Me: "Yes, that's true to a degree, but there are firewalls that--"
Friend's Father: "No, but they can hack into your computer even when it's off and steal your electricity."
Me: "Umm...I'm pretty sure that won't happen."
Friend's Father: "It's all over the news. You mean to tell me they're wrong?"
Me: "...I guess so."

Customer: "I got DSL, but it's not working."
Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"
Customer: "Ummm, I dont know. It's built into my laptop."
Tech Support: "Ok, did you receive the modem package we sent out?"
Customer: "Modem package??"
Tech Support: "Well, it looks like the modem was shipped to (address), Pennsylvania."
Customer: "I don't live in Pennsylvania. I live in New York."
Tech Support: "Huh. Do you know this Pennsylvania address?"
Customer: "Yes, that's my Mom's house."
Tech Support: "Ok, this DSL phone number you gave me -- is that your mother's number?"
Customer: "Yes, they told me in order for me to have DSL, I need to have your company's phone service. My mother has it, so I gave them her telephone number."

Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D."
Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing."
Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?"
Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?"
Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?"
Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run."
Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?"
Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen."
Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?"
Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner."
Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?"
Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D."
Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!"
Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?"
Customer: "Z."
Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'"
Customer: "C-H-A-R--"
Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please."
Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?"
Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?"
Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here."
Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key."
Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything."
Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?"
Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side."

Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?"
Customer. "M-O-K."
Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Press it twice."
Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted."
Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D."
Customer: "D. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Now press the enter key."
Customer: "E-N-T-E-R."
Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?"
Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?"
Tech Support: "Yes, please."

Worst Job

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 02:29:07 GMT

I was curious what everyones worst job they ever held was.

I would have to say that mine was at Hardee's. It was my first job. I was 15 and had to alter my birth certificate in order to work there. I actually broke the law to work in a fast food place. I was the burger flipper. I can't say cook since you really don't know how to cook, you just flip the burgers when the timer went off. It was so hot that by the time I got off, I stunk to high heaven. The interesting thing was that the general manager was a coke head and the assistant manager always disappeared to the roof to smoke weed. This actually had its benefits. When the assistant manager was high he became the nicest person and wanted to be everyones best buddy. This got me off work early numerous times. I usually worked nights until close, and there were a couple times that after close we had pickle and and ice fights over the entire restaraunt, it was alot of fun until we had to clean it up. We wouldn't have been able to get away with this if the bosses weren't stoned. I make it kinda of sound like fun and looking back at it 20 years later it actually sounds fun, but it sucked.

Please leave a comment and let me know what your worst job was.

Darwin award witnessed

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 01:31:57 GMT

While I was in the army I was stationed in Landstuhl Germany from 1998-2001, and while I was there I had the morbid pleasure to witness the aftermath of a Darwin Awardee. Below is the text from their website and they call it Mental Eclipse. While it is tragic to see something like this happen, I was wondering if anyone else has a similar story.

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/index_darwin2001.html

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

Yes when I read this I can't help but to laugh. The scene was hardly funny though. I think he was driving a VW Golf but the car was so mangled it was almost impossible to determine. I find it morbidly amusing the way we as humans can find humor in others stupidity. I can't help but wonder, was this guy in that big of a hurry that he couldn't stop for 2 minutes, and what was he thinking? Was it something like, I don't need these eyes? I got it. He was using his telepathic powers to guide his car but that pier just jumped out in front of him. It's kinda like people talking on their cell phones while driving but multiplied by a hundred. We're all guilty of it. I guess that's the reason you can get a drivers license while being deaf but can't if your blind.

Stupid Texas Laws

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 23:00:00 GMT

Abilene

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin

Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont

Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger

It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon

It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso

Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston

Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston

It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper

Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors

It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County

It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite

It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur

Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson

It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

It is illegal to do "U Turns".

San Antonio

It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple

No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana

Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

Blonde Robbed

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 08:30:54 GMT

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

Stumble It!

George Carlin's Rules for 2007

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 20:43:39 GMT

George Carlin is one of the crudist and funniest comedians around. I stumbled across his rules for 2007 and thought they were hilarious.

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Stumble It!

10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 00:20:51 GMT

We recently had a new phone line installed so my wife could work from home. It seems like we are now a target and the phone seems to be running off the hook. I've always wanted to mess with telemarketers. If anyone has any others that are good please leave a comment to add to the list.

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketers gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

NHL All Star Game Starting Lineup

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 05:51:12 GMT

The NHL All Star Game will be played Jan. 24th 2007 in the American Airlines Center in Dallas TX. The starting lineup was release today and no Rory Fitzpatrick didn't make it. The remainder of the rosters will be released on Jan. 13th. The starting line ups are the following:

Western Conference

Joe Sakic #19 Colorado Avalanche Center

Jonathan Cheechoo #14 San Jose Sharks Right Wing

Joe Thornton #19 San Jose Sharks Center

Niklas Lidstrom #5 Detroit Red Wings Defense

Scott Niedermayer #27 Anahein Ducks

Roberto Luongo #1 Vancouver Canucks Goalie

Eastern Conference

Daniel Briere #48 Buffalo Sabres Center

Brian Campbell #51 Buffalo Sabres Defense

Ryan Miller #30 Buffalo Sabres Goalie

Sidney Crosby #87 Pittsburgh Penguins Center

Alexander Ovechkin #8 Washington Capitals Left Wing

Sheldon Souray #44 Montreal Canadiens Defense